Mrs. English Gets a Gun

Mrs. English was teaching her class one day. 

Mrs. English: So, class, Hawthorne’s diction here is quite precise. Let’s look closely at this passage and…

Bobby: Mrs. English! I was sharpening my pencil for the third time, and I just saw a bad guy coming down the hall!

Mrs. English reaches for her concealed weapon, walks to the classroom door, and calmly dispatches the villain. The class erupts, as classes will do, with most students screaming and running to look out in the hall. Mrs. English restores order, and instructs the students to return to their seats.

Mrs. English: Now class, there are a few evil people in the world; think of Chillingworth in The Scarlet Letter, or Iago in Othello, and when they come into our lives, we have to take matters into our own hands, just as George did in Of Mice and Men. 

Principal Smithers appears at the door.

Principal Smithers: Excuse me, Mrs. English, but as I was waiting for the janitor to clear up this mess in the hall, I couldn’t help but overhear your lesson.

Mrs. English (ME): Oh?

Principal Smithers (PS): Yes, while your literary analogies were fine insofar as they went, I want to remind you that the Core Learning Goals emphasize literary non-fiction, and this would have been a fine place to incorporate some of that. Perhaps the Bill of Rights or a presidential speech would have been a better illustration of what you were trying to get across.

ME: Oh, uh, perhaps you’re right, Principal Smithers, but as I was saying…

PS: Then too, Mrs. English, I noticed that your whole class went running into the hall after you took out the bad guy. This would’ve been a good occasion for purposeful grouping in order to facilitate differentiated instruction.

ME: Uh…

PS: Yes, If you’d completed an interest inventory at the beginning of the semester you’d know which students learned best from a hands-on experience of this type, and which students were best suited to relate to it through a different modality – perhaps drawing a picture, or exploring the experience through interpretive dance. Do you have time during your planning period today? I’d like to discuss this with you.

ME: Well, I have to grade 120 research papers, call the parents of the 43 students who failed to turn in the paper, and look for a working copier for tomorrow’s lesson, but…

PS: Good, I’ll see you then.

Later that day…

PS: So, while I’d give you an “Outstanding” for marksmanship – probably a testament to that in-service training we had on moving your chalk to the left hand while using your right hand to draw your weapon…What was the name of that session…Drawing while Drawing…something like that. Anyway,  I’d have to evaluate you as  “Progressing” in use of differentiated strategies. We’re offering training for that after school next Thursday. You can sign up online. So, Mrs. English, how are your own children?

ME: Well, with class sizes creeping up towards 40 students and the new standards in English, manners, and marksmanship to master, I’m afraid I haven’t seen them for a couple weeks.

PS: Mustn’t burn out, Mrs. English. You need to manage your time better. There’s an in-service training on that next Friday. You can sign up online. 

ME: Yes, Principal Smithers.

Cultural Disturbance

This week, we returned to school following the tragic shooting in Connecticut that targeted first graders and left a community – and parents everywhere – reeling. And, what was the result in our county? A “previously scheduled” lockdown drill and a rash of threatened copycats for the Friday before Christmas break. What kind of a self-centric outlook does it take to turn someone’s deep, heart-breaking tragedy into a personal bid for power? Clearly, some kids with too much time on their hands and compassion that was 10-sizes-too-small saw this as an opportunity to capitalize and perhaps get an extra day of vacation. 

In my school, just over 1/3 of the school population turned up today. In fact, many of my students were incredulous when told I was planning to attend.  I told them that: A) Like the government, I refuse to negotiate with terrorists; and 2) I am in possession of a logical mind. Even in the school that was targeted by an obviously delusional gunman, 25 were killed in the building. The loss of these young children, their teachers, principal, and guidance counselor is terrifying, awful, and tremendously sad. However, most elementary schools house hundreds of small students and the staff that teaches and supports them. In the midst of carnage, hundreds escaped. So, statistically, I’m probably still safer attending school than, say, crossing a busy mall parking lot. 

What disturbs me most? The horrible devastation in Connecticut of course, but a close second is the megalomaniacal mind that would seek to capitalize on a tragedy.